Lizzy Takes Hot Yoga

After a year living in our new town, Lizzy went out on a limb and purchased a Groupon for hot yoga classes at a local studio. For the record this is the first real thing Lizzy has done alone since moving. Besides grocery shopping and showering, of course. Lizzy has done yoga for quite a few years, rarely in a studio though and has never done hot yoga.

I must warn you, while most of this is hilarious, for some people who don’t appreciate Lizzy’s rawness about bodily functions, you will not find this funny. But don’t worry, I’ll tell you when to stop reading.

So into class she goes. Walking into the room was like I stepped into the Sahara Desert, except there were no cactus and the closest thing to a mirage was the fake fireplace in the corner of the room.

Sitting on her mat waiting for class to start, sweat was dripping down her back and in between her boobs. Hot hot hot. Ok, so class starts and as I’m looking around the room I noticed that people had special yoga towels that fit the whole length of their mat. What did Lizzy have? A hand towel. Hot yoga 1, Lizzy 0.

After a few poses I now realize how very important full length towels are because Lizzy looked like she was ice skating on her yoga mat from the buckets of sweat spilling from her body onto her mat. Hot yoga 2, Lizzy 0.

Despite being slippery, the class was amazing. Totally in love with hot yoga now. But, at the end of the class the instructor told us all to pick our inversion pose of choice and hold it for 10-15 breaths. This is where class starts to go beyond Lizzy’s capabilities and her modesty.

As some of the yogis start to kick their legs up into a forearm balance and full on hand stands, Lizzy tries a go at a shoulderstand pose and struggles immensely. The instructor sees this and comes to help. Ok, here is the part where you should stop reading if you get grossed out or are embarrassed easily.  For the rest of you, enjoy.

So, I’m lying on my shoulders with my legs behind my head and then I lifted them into the air but was struggling. So the instructor comes over and pulls my legs up further to where they should be, thus stretching out my abdomen. I could barely hold it so she says to me, “I’m going to help you lower down now.” Big mistake. HUGE mistake. As my back meets the ground again and my legs start to lower an awful, awful noise starts to squeak out of my body. RIGHT ON THE INSTRUCTOR. Hot Yoga 3, Lizzy 0.

As I lay there mortified acting as if I was stretching, trying to figure out how I was going to recover from this. Could I recover from this? So then I sat up only to have another freaking machine gun go off! UGH! Then I hear this dude in front of me say to his friend, “Man, I keep hearing someone farting.” No, no, sir. I wish it were farting. In fact farting would be an amazing thing to be coming out of me right now, but no my body had to let air out of the other hole, and I don’t mean my urethra.

Hot Yoga 75, Lizzy 0.