Bloggers, magazines and parenting websites all publish a staged perspective of what to expect when giving birth. I have always wondered why people aren’t more upfront with what happens when you have a baby. Does it run along the same lines as “If my wife doesn’t fart in front of me then she doesn’t fart?” What I’m trying to say is, labor and delivery is real so let’s be real with those out there who may not have an honest girlfriend to clue them in. Let’s let the farts out of the closet.
Stripping Membranes This by far was the worst surprise for me. My friend Gina tried to prepare me by telling me,”I felt like she was pullig my head out through my vagina.” Didn’t even come close. The cervix is very sensitive and what your doctor does is takes their fingers a swirls them around the inside of your cervix until you are about to kick her in the face. Be warned, it hurts.
Water When you are close to the end of pregnancy you will think every wet sensation is your water breaking, but you are really just peeing. When your water breaks you will know. With my 2nd it broke in the doctor’s office and I remember my OB handing me a pad to use for the drive to the hospital. I just chuckled. A pad does NOTHING for the waterfalls that flow after the water has broken. It’s the weirdest sensation too.
Being Checked Throw all modesty out the window when you’re in labor because Lord knows how many people will be checking your cervix. Sometimes you might even get lucky enough to be in labor during a shift change!
Epidurals Epidurals are a nice way to relax during labor. But let’s face it, it’s a needle going into your back. With all three of my labors I could not get it until I was in so much pain I couldnt talk otherwise I would have been too scared to get it! Oh and good luck trying to hold still long enough for the doc to get the catheter in just right!
Peeing You may be surprised to find that if you have an epidural you won’t be able to go pee on your own. Weird I know. And why would you have to go pee? They have you hooked up to fluids all through labor! So how do they fix this? Oh yes, your nurse will insert a catheter into your urethra and you will then pee into a bed pan. And if you’re dumb like me you will say “Wow, actually feels like I’m peeing!”
Pooping Chances are if you are having a vaginal delivery you will poop while pushing out your precious baby. You can do one of two things; embrace it and move forward OR try to pretend it isn’t happening. Either way you are still pooping in front of others.
Not Totally Done
Just because the baby is out doesn’t mean birds will start chirping quite yet. You still have to deliver the placenta. If you’re lucky it will decend on its own. Otherwise your OB will have to push on your tummy. Then she will have to stitch up any tears you may have.
Cleaning Up When your doc says its ok to get up, your nurse will take you to the bathroom, give you a peri bottle and have you squirt yourself down and then she will give you a sexy pair of underwear made out of stretchy netting and she will put 2 of the biggest pads in it you have ever seen. Oh I forgot to mention, before this takes place you are sitting on your bed with thick pads under you.
Going Potty After Birth So afterwards you will be sore in your bottom. You will bleed for weeks and you eventually will have to poop. No one told me my first BM after childbirthwould feel like I was givin birth again. I literally felt like my insides were ripping out of me. Here is why. When pushing your baby out you are using the same muscles as when you poop. And while you have been having BMs your whole life, nothing has conditioned these muscles to push out a watermelon. Take the stool softners the doc gives you!