Lizzy Albers

A day in the life of…It can be scary.

I Wish Our Elf Would Have Died…Almost December 13, 2013

Filed under: Life — lizzyalbers517 @ 4:47 pm
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It almost happened. Our Elf on a Shelf almost died this morning. Well, I guess she actually did, but no one saw it so it doesn’t count…Let me back up. If your Elf is touched by a human, they then die and lose their magical powers and have to go to some magical elf hospital or something where they can regain their magical elf power of tattling on bad little kids. This morning our oldest girls found our elf, Sprinkles, diving head first into a container of homemade chocolate chip cookies. As I was packing lunches, I hear my toddler yelling “mama, mom!” and as I looked over she was proudly holding Sprinkles in her hand. Image

Notice the other two children are not around her, however they were standing in the room to the immediate left of the Christmas tree you see in the background. I have to say, I had a heart palpitation. All I could think was if the older girls saw what their sister was doing they would have major meltdowns and I would never get them on the bus and off to school. So, I resorted to my ninja like skills that I don’t have and flew over to the table and snatched the stuffed elf from my toddler and shoved it back in the cookie container. Imagine that, I stole a stuffed toy from my toddler.

Next thing I know, my toddler is at it again, only this time she is foregoing the elf and grabbing for a cookie.


And I let her have it. But the point of my story is not the potential demise of a stuffed elf, it’s the false sense of magic and the lying that comes with it. That may sound harsh, but hear me out. Last year when the girls received their elf, my husband and I thought it was cute, fun and harmless. The Elf on a Shelf has become a trend that parents everywhere have made a into a hilarious game. But more importantly it is used as a way to get our children, mine included, to behave better so that they might get more presents on Christmas day. My husband and I are totally guilty of saying “Sprinkles is watching you…” or “Sprinkles is going to tell Santa on you…” I cringe at the thought that I have said those words.

After thinking about what had just happened, I almost wished that I could have let her hold it just a little longer so one of her sister’s would have seen her. Because this would have been an opportunity for me to explain the true spirit of Christmas to them. Don’t get me wrong, believing in Santa is magical and OK in my book. But we, as parents, feel that Christmas has gotten away from its true meaning. My kids know it is Jesus’ birthday, and they know we receive gifts because Jesus was given gifts on the day he was born. But what they don’t know is why Santa is the one to bring them. And to tell you the truth, I don’t either.

This year with our kids we started something a little different. Each of us will receive only three gifts under the tree. Which in hindsight is a lot considering the people who will have nothing. But the three gifts hold a greater meaning than the big man in red. Jesus was brought three gifts and so we will be brought three gifts. While I am not going to spoil their belief in Santa this year, because after all believing is part of being a kid, we are making a point to draw a bigger picture about what Christmas is all about. And we are refusing to use the stuffed elf as a way to determine what is under the tree on Christmas morning.


Lizzy Has A Small Victory September 6, 2013

Filed under: Lizzy — lizzyalbers517 @ 1:39 pm
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ImageThis is a little more of a serious post. It is with mixed emotions that I sent my two oldest daughters to school today. One for second grade and a kindergartner. I say mixed emotions because for the last few weeks they have been driving each other nuts and basically screaming out for a school routine. And yesterday when my five-year-old figured out school was starting today she turned into a pinball inside my house and didn’t stop until 10pm last night. So for that I am happy they are in school again.

I titled the post “Lizzy Has A Small Victory” because I like to write about myself! Kidding! I used that title because when my oldest went to kindergarten we both were a blubbering mess of tears and snot at drop off.  Ever since then I have made a commitment to my children that I would better prepare them and myself for their future endeavors.

After moving to NJ, we had a fresh start with our anxieties and fears, meaning we kind of left a lot of them in Ohio. And since then we have been working diligently to puffen our daughter’s confidence and self-esteem up. I wanted my kids to start each school year without the same fears I had growing up. The fear of the unknown (FOTU). It’s the worst fear to have because it makes you afraid of anything. We noticed the nasty FOTU in our oldest daughter early on, but it’s with great pleasure to say she hopped on the bus without hardly saying good-bye this morning. Her bus mate from last year was waiting for her to grab her seat. Thankfully.

So I may be a little saddened by the extreme quiet in my house while I work this morning. But make no mistake, I totally farted while doing a cartwheel in excitement in the school parking lot over the victory of my kindergartener fearlessly riding the BIG bus to school by herself and confidently marching into school without looking back. No cliche “wahoo kids are in school jump” here. Victory cartwheel for my daughter’s growing into confident little girls (almost young ladies, barf!) AND I did not shed one tear and neither did the girls!  CHECKMATE!


I’ve Created A Lizzy August 23, 2013

Filed under: Lizzy — lizzyalbers517 @ 10:04 pm
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I hate to say it, but my five-year-old is a mini Lizzy. Let me explain. This morning while riding bikes at a school she crashed her bike, in a big way. Now, I realize she has just learned to ride with no training wheels, but her crashes remind me of a time when I crashed my sister’s bike as a kid. I was in love with my sister’s bike. Oh it was so cool. Slate grey with a shimmer in it, and those really cool curvy ten-speed handle bars, I loved that bike! After begging her and begging her to let me ride it, she finally said I could but only to our next door neighbors driveway and back. Now, we did not live in the country so there was literally 10 feet of sidewalk to ride between our houses. So, me thinking I’m cool I take off down our driveway and fly right up our neighbors driveway. But, I didn’t want to stop to turn around, so I cut the wheel hard to the left so that I could just turn and go right back down. Well, that didn’t work out too well and I flew off the bike and landed chest first into the handle bars. Of course, I couldn’t breathe and my sister thought I was dying. So she picked me up (I had to be 7) and carried me into our house freaking out! Haha! My dad about had a heart attack trying to figure out what happened. I remember laying on the couch that night with ice on my chest! So this leads me to my five-year-old’s crash today.

We were leaving the school and the girls decided to ride their bikes to the car. Obviously my car was not the only one in the parking lot, but there weren’t many cars. So she starts off, going great, cruising along when all of a sudden she starts to get really close to the car parked next to mine. And of course the car parked next to mine was a brand new car with the 30 day tags still on it. As we are telling her to stop she freaks out and keeps going riding her bike head on into the back of this new car. As she hits the car her bike turns and she bounces off it again, but this time with her body and almost rips the 30 day tag off the car. So there’s two bounces here. One of the front of her bike hitting the car and another bounce of her body and the side of her bike hitting the car. Oy! My bank account flashed before my eyes. I totally would have taken a picture but in the words of Jann Arden, it would have been insensitive because my daughter was genuinely hurt and crying and there were major marks on the car. A banged up knee later she is ok, but a little shaken from all the bouncing. To avoid more humility I left a note on the car with my name and number.

The owner of the car called about 5 hours later to tell me he was able to rub all the marks off the car and it was fine. He thanked me for leaving a note and really only wanted to know if my daughter was fine, which was totally sweet! Thankfully no permanent damage done on either end. And my five-year-old now has her first Lizzy story. Guess I’m going to have to think of a new name for her.

Holy cow I forgot to add the best part! My daughter had such a rough morning I told her we could watch a movie. So she picks out what movie she wants and puts it on te coffee table. Next thing I know, the DVD is siting at the bottom of the toilet surrounded by poop. And ironically the movie was Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. The end!



Lizzy Takes Hot Yoga July 24, 2013

Filed under: Lizzy — lizzyalbers517 @ 11:59 pm
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After a year living in our new town, Lizzy went out on a limb and purchased a Groupon for hot yoga classes at a local studio. For the record this is the first real thing Lizzy has done alone since moving. Besides grocery shopping and showering, of course. Lizzy has done yoga for quite a few years, rarely in a studio though and has never done hot yoga.

I must warn you, while most of this is hilarious, for some people who don’t appreciate Lizzy’s rawness about bodily functions, you will not find this funny. But don’t worry, I’ll tell you when to stop reading.

So into class she goes. Walking into the room was like I stepped into the Sahara Desert, except there were no cactus and the closest thing to a mirage was the fake fireplace in the corner of the room.

Sitting on her mat waiting for class to start, sweat was dripping down her back and in between her boobs. Hot hot hot. Ok, so class starts and as I’m looking around the room I noticed that people had special yoga towels that fit the whole length of their mat. What did Lizzy have? A hand towel. Hot yoga 1, Lizzy 0.

After a few poses I now realize how very important full length towels are because Lizzy looked like she was ice skating on her yoga mat from the buckets of sweat spilling from her body onto her mat. Hot yoga 2, Lizzy 0.

Despite being slippery, the class was amazing. Totally in love with hot yoga now. But, at the end of the class the instructor told us all to pick our inversion pose of choice and hold it for 10-15 breaths. This is where class starts to go beyond Lizzy’s capabilities and her modesty.

As some of the yogis start to kick their legs up into a forearm balance and full on hand stands, Lizzy tries a go at a shoulderstand pose and struggles immensely. The instructor sees this and comes to help. Ok, here is the part where you should stop reading if you get grossed out or are embarrassed easily.  For the rest of you, enjoy.

So, I’m lying on my shoulders with my legs behind my head and then I lifted them into the air but was struggling. So the instructor comes over and pulls my legs up further to where they should be, thus stretching out my abdomen. I could barely hold it so she says to me, “I’m going to help you lower down now.” Big mistake. HUGE mistake. As my back meets the ground again and my legs start to lower an awful, awful noise starts to squeak out of my body. RIGHT ON THE INSTRUCTOR. Hot Yoga 3, Lizzy 0.

As I lay there mortified acting as if I was stretching, trying to figure out how I was going to recover from this. Could I recover from this? So then I sat up only to have another freaking machine gun go off! UGH! Then I hear this dude in front of me say to his friend, “Man, I keep hearing someone farting.” No, no, sir. I wish it were farting. In fact farting would be an amazing thing to be coming out of me right now, but no my body had to let air out of the other hole, and I don’t mean my urethra.

Hot Yoga 75, Lizzy 0.


Material Girl Madge

Filed under: Uncategorized — lizzyalbers517 @ 4:42 pm
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Madonna has always walked on the edge of style and shock. From her cone bras and lace gloves to her leather bustier and fish net stockings, she has always dressed outside of the box. While this style rebellion worked for her young persona, at the ripe age of 54 it seems to be dating her more than her actual age.

She recently was photographed with her youngest son David and it seems she pulled her outfit from her 1986 wardrobe with what be her future granny wardrobe. Sticking with the black theme, the fit mama to three wore a sheer laced tank top with a visible black bra under it that bared her midriff. But instead of flaunting it completely she wore a black sweater to partially cover herself.

Madonna is a fit mama who has sort of broken the mold for what women over 50 should look like and normally how they dress. But is she too old now? I can’t help but think of her children. They are of the age now where their parents could easily embarrass them, not that a child’s embarrassment should depict a parent’s style. But isn’t there a point in even Madonna’s life where she needs to start dressing more age appropriate? There is nothing worse than seeing the has-been mom looking like she is trying to relive her youth.

Ok, give me some flack. It’s ok. I get it; I’m ragging on Madonna. But she isn’t a virgin anymore, or was she ever? I digress. I’m not saying she needs to dress like an old lady. But she could maybe move up a decade and dress like she is thirty-something instead of twenty-something? 


Lizzy Rides the Skywheel June 29, 2013

Filed under: Lizzy — lizzyalbers517 @ 12:07 pm
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This past week my husband and I packed the car and headed to South Carolina for our annual vacation with my side of the family. After a week of swimming, shopping and relaxing my mom suggested we go to the boardwalk and walk around for a bit. The boardwalk where we were has all the scuzzy essentials every boardwalk should have. Tattoo palors, fun houses, chatchky shops and of course a gigantic Ferris wheel known as the Skywheel. The look of the big wheel makes me want to vomit. And of course we parked right next to it.

To my surprise my 7 year old, who is normally scared of every thing, declares that she thinks it would be very cool to ride this. So her Grammy says, “I think that sounds like a great idea.” I was surprised at this because my mother can’t even watch a plane take off on TV without dripping with sweat. And to be honest I was glad she chimed in because that meant I wouldn’t have to ride it.

As we all walk up to the ticket booth, my mom takes a head count of who wants to ride and turns out she wasn’t going to ride it. What a crock! So, my husband and 7 year old buy tickets while my 5 year old stands there debating if she wants to ride or not. Then the dreadful words come out of her mouth, “I will only ride it if mommy rides it.”

Unfortunately I inherited my mothers sweaty palms disease and immediately tensed up. But if me riding would get her to ride then I was in. So off we went to stand in line.

I am the type of person that when I get nervous I sweat and my stomach starts to hurt. I feel bad for the people that were waiting in line behind us because I was crop dusting the whole time. But up we went. And even though I looked like I had taken a shower by the time we got off, riding it and faking having fun showed my daughter there was nothing to be afraid of. And that was worth it to me. Even if my husband did have to try to dry my hands by placing them next to the air vent that was spitting out air that was only slightly cooler than the outside temp.

Both girls talked about it all night and was one of the highlights of the trip for them. And Lizzy survived her first test of “I’ll only do it if mommy does.”

You will notice in the photos my 5 year old clenched my hand the whole time. Believe Me I needed to hold her hand just as much as she needed to hold mine!




Through The Eyes of A Child June 11, 2013

Filed under: Life — lizzyalbers517 @ 4:39 pm
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While my parents were here in New Jersey visiting us, it just so happened that Maya was star of the week for her first grade class that same Friday. When you are star of the week you get to choose a day and have your favorite person come read a book to your class. Well, we surprised Maya and I showed up at her school with my sister and my parents.

Maya’s reaction was priceless, she was beyond ecstatic. So my mom sat down to read “The Giving Tree”. In her tricky teacher ways, my mom would read the page without looking at the page and the children were mesmerized. They kept saying “How can you read without looking at the words!?” She was magic.

After the book was over, Maya’s teacher asked her to introduce the people that were there with her. And this was the moment when through the eyes of a babe hits your heart. She said, “Well, this is my papa and my grammy and my aunt Sammy. They came here from my real home in Ohio, where I’m from, to visit us.” Tears immediately flooded our faces. She then went on to share a few priceless words about each one of us.

“My Aunt Sammy has a dog named Ernie who gets in trouble a lot. My Papa brings us donuts all the time. And my Grammy takes me to Imagination Station” Never will any of use forget that day and what each of them means to Maya. Keep the donuts coming Dad, keep the donuts coming.




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